becoming [bɪˈkʌmɪŋ]

adj

suitable; appropriate

n

1. any process of change

2. (Philosophy) (in the philosophy of Aristotle) any change from the lower level of potentiality to the higher level of actuality

 

 

 

I write to you from my humble workplace tonight. I have cared for the same little old lady for the past two and a half years. She has taught me so much and her ways of being fascinate me so. I just gave my notice, though, as all too often here, these days, I feel like a caged bird that can no longer sing. (That is quite the metaphor for me, btw; I am a closet songstress.)  

 

It is around 5 in the morning, and for the life of me, I cannot sleep. Mind chatter has prevailed lately, and rightfully so. Something's gotta give, and that something is long overdue. 

 

Ever since my beloved grandmother (and best friend), Mary, passed on over five years ago now, my life has felt relatively stagnant, with a bit of clarity to be desired. She was my light, I confided everything in her and depended upon her constantly. The same was true for her. It must have been a past life thing. Never have I met someone so selfless and beautiful a human being as she. She really taught me what it meant to love, and to care for another. I loved her dearly. I was the luckiest girl in the world. I had dreams about her after she passed (I prefer the term, 'crossed over'), and she has been with me, on some level, ever since. It has just taken awhile to adjust. 

 

When I was a little girl, I was very shy, but I secretly had the world in my hands. I had a passion, a deep, deep passion and desire. That was to sing. I just knew that, when I grew up, I would sing songs of peace for the people. I knew that it was my mission to care for others, too, in some capacity. I just knew. It was something I HAD to do, I wanted to do, I chose to do. There was no question about it. There was one challenge. I had very low self-esteem. I allowed some people to essentially make me feel as though I was worthless, and to shoot down my hopes and aspirations, even though I knew deep in my heart of hearts that this was some spiritual calling of sorts. At this point, the caring aspect has shone through, to some extent or another, through some capacity or another, all this time now. Perhaps not in the ways that I necessarily intended, but in the ways that were meant to be for some reason or another instead. The music part hasn't really so much, and I have set out to remedy that soon enough. I bought this beautiful, blue guitar. It is so gorgeous. I hope to write some songs soon. If it weren't for a dear friend (and old roommate) overhearing me one day while singing and strumming softly (in hopes no one would hear too much, lol), and commenting on my voice positively, I would probably still feel too shy.

 

A very wise and creative lady I know, who used to be an actress, recently told me that I cannot suppress my creative energy, otherwise some form of illness will occur within me because I am suppressing that which desperately wants out and needs out. (And maybe people need to hear what lies within us. We as a people don't seem to communicate that to each other enough these days. Our internal poetry is precious and unique.) I believe her, wholeheartedly. (She had stopped acting and developed serious health challenges, of which she is just now recovering from.) I have been feeling some of the repercussions of this for some time now, and it has been eating away at my soul. I realize now that I need to embrace these callings just like I need water to quench my thirst. Perhaps I could have from the beginning, and arguably should have, but perhaps this was the course that was meant to unfold in the greater scheme of things. I feel like, if we were all to follow our hearts and embrace these types of deep, driving desires, the world would be a better place. The pieces of the puzzle would fit better. People would be much happier. Just my humble opinion. I mean, aren't they there for a reason? Society seems to teach us to ignore them all too often, even though it seems to me to be such a primal instinct to want to be creative, and to share that, in hopes of creating a greater sense of community, and perhaps inspiring each other more deeply. I think we would all be more wealthy if we began to worship our souls, rather than the almighty dollar or the next seemingly happenin' idol. Just my two cents.

 

I enjoy expressing myself from time to time, primarily because I feel I have something to say once in awhile, but often don't come across the healthiest outlets for such, so the desire ends up being suppressed. I decided to set out and find a medium of expression for that reason. This is the result. I hope to add various mediums over time. I really do ache for a more public form of communication, as I am a relatively private individual in general. Oftentimes, as a result, I may come across as more mysterious than intended, and perhaps generally misunderstood from time to time too.

Anyhoo. This has just been a little introduction. I hope everyone has a beautiful day. Here's to being true to yourself. 

 

 

 

Cheers,

 

Natassja